Once upon a time (1853) in a kingdom far far away (Saratoga
That could be called the end of the story but really the story goes on. It goes on to 1921 when potato chips were mass produced and sent overseas to Britain where they were called potato crisps because potato chips were French fries in Britain. The story could go on to 1932 when Lays potato chips were started, or it could go on to 2010 when seven strong individuals in Mrs. Basko’s ninth period class endeavored to determine for themselves which type of Lays potatoes chip was the best. Who would win the contest? Would it be the Lays Light Potato Chips, the Lays Baked Potato Crisps, the Lays Natural Potato chips, or the classic Lays Classic Potato Chips? Well, I’ll tell you.
In my second introduction I am going to endeavor to reach the reader by appealing to a common experience in order to hook the reader assuming that the audience is high school students. I also mixed in a bit of question because I believe it enhances the essay.
Teaching a writing class is never easy, being in it is even harder. How many times can you remember being told to write a paper about something that you don't really care about, like "Write a literary critic examining whether Susy Blue's and Bobby Joes' marriage is a good marriage."? Come on! Who actually cares about things like that. But this paper is not like that, we were asked to sample different types of Lays Potato Chips and determine which is the best. Sure we got very thirsty and sick of potato chips but in the end we were able to write a comprehensive paper about something that we actually care about. Is the difference in price between Lays Classic and Lays Natural worth it? I'll tell you.
In my next attempt to scrap my original introduction and write another one that will improve on it, I am going to use dialogue to catch the readers interest.
"This one said 'made with olestra' does anyone know what that means?" Six other individuals shake their heads but note the question on their worksheet. "Which one do we want to start with?" I ask my fellow testers. Upon getting no response I reach for the first bag which contained lays potato chips. My six peers and I are trying to compare four different types of Lays Potato Chips and determine which is best. In between Classic, Natural, Light, and Baked we had a lot of taste testing to do before we can declare a winner.
The last paragraph that I am going to create is going to employ a shocking statistic (with a little bit of question in there)!
"This Product Contains Olestra. Olestra may cause abdominal cramping and loose stools. Olestra inhibits the absorption of some vitamins and other nutrients. Vitamins A, D, E, and K have been added." What product have you seen this warning label on before? None because products as of 2003 no longer have to warn that they contain olestra. A better question would be what product should contain this warning and the answer is shocking. Lays Potato Chips, they contain olestra. So the answer stands which type of Lays Potato chips are the best, both for your body and your wallet?
In your first attempt at a new introduction, I enjoyed how you tried to make the subject relatable. Although it may be a bit casual, I think it's a good concept. In your second, your use of a quote to begin an anecdote was well done. I like the idea of using a different type of anecdote from the original introduction, focusing on the process of our assignment rather than the story of George Crum's creation. The third introduction in which you used an attention-grabbing combination of definition and interesting fact actually caught my interest and made me think. Your further use of related, thought-provoking questions continued to promote that.
ReplyDelete:) Sorry it took me so long to answer. haha
I think that the best new introduction that you wrote was your second introduction. I think that the way you explained how writing classes are not easy, especially when you have to write about a topic you don't care for is really relatable. It is a creative way to introduce your experience during the taste test. It is really interesting to read and makes me want to read the rest of your paper.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your third new introduction. It catched my attention to see what kind of food causes these side effects haha. Its importand to know what foods are not healthy for you or other alternatives and I thought starting with this as your introduction was great. This made me want to keep reading your paper. Good Job!
ReplyDeleteSam,
ReplyDeleteI felt that all of your introductions were very strong. The ones that really sprung out at me were your 1st and 3rd intros. I really enjoyed the first intro because you turned your intro into a kind of mini story. Your 3rd intro was very eye catching to me because you used a shocking statistic. I always enjoy a good stat. Great introductions overall
In your first new introduction I didn't understand why you decided to explain how boring most English classes are. I can personsally relate to this, but I'm not sure how this makes the reader more interested in reading the rest of your paper. Your second new introduction is not interesting at all. Instead of the dialogue making the introduction more attention grabbing and exciting it has does neither. Your third introduction seemed to be the best, but still would have left me very confused about what your paper was going to be about if it wasn't for your last sentence.
ReplyDeleteSame here...add more and do some final reflections on what you think is the best one now that you have the benefit of hearing your peers talk about each one.
ReplyDeleteWhat about the original?
In the end, what did you learn about writing introductions?
I hope this helps,
Ms. Basko